In the previous posts in this series, I first reviewed the scientific writings on medical sexual abuse and MSbP. In my last post, I related what I did and did not remember about my childhood that would indicate that I was a victim of medical sexual abuse. In this post, I will relate to you a dream I had when I was 18 or 19 years old, and in my next and final post, I will explain how this led me to figure out what had happened to me.
I was sleeping at a friend’s apartment, and I had this dream. I dreamed that I woke up, and I was aware I was in a medical setting, but it looked like a residential medical setting. The room looked like a room in a psychiatric ward or nursing home. I was dressed in a pink sweatshirt and sweatpants, something I would never wear. I was dressed like an invalid. I was lying on my back with the covers up, but the light was on brightly. I woke up, confused.
My mom was sitting to the right of me on a chair reading a book. She put down the book and got up and said I had to get ready for dinner. She told me to sit up in bed so she could put on my shoes.
I remember trying to move but feeling drugged. I could not speak, it was like my mouth was very heavy and I couldn’t move it. I felt like someone might feel if they had taken a handful of muscle-relaxants and tranquilizers. It was hard for me to push myself into a sitting position, and swing my legs around so I was sitting on the side of the bed. My mom scampered over with white tennis shoes with pink stripes, also things I’d never wear, to put them on me. My body seemed puffy and shapeless, like I never exercised and rarely moved around. I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me.
As my mom fussed with my shoes, I realized that she had disabled me. Somehow, she had won. They’d given me enough drugs or something so that I was disabled and she was in control of me for the rest of my life. I realized I had to get out of there.
Sitting on the bed, I saw that the entrance to the room was across from me, and the door was open. My mom was joyfully putting my shoes on, tying them, and talking to me like I was a child. Beyond the open door, I realized there was a hall with a staircase leading downstairs to the left.
Using all the power from inside my core I could, I hurled myself into the hall. My legs were heavy and did not work, so I could not walk. I hurled myself until I was lying at the top of the staircase. I was going to try to somehow slide down it. My mother was behind me screaming, out-of-control.
She was saying that I was behaving badly, and what would people think of how I was acting, and I should be embarrassed and ashamed of myself, especially in the way I was treating her.
Then I woke up.
What did the Dream Tell Me?
The dream helped me understand my mother’s motives. My mother’s “goal,” if you can call it that, was to disable me somehow so I’d be dependent on her.
The effort began with trying to make it so I could not control my bladder through medical sexual abuse. If she had gotten that goal, it would have been very difficult for me in life, more so that it is now, and she would have gotten me closer to the situation in the dream. I might have been catheterized, and everything would have been downhill from there. Although it would have been urinary catheterization, central venous catheters have been determined to be a main route MSbP perpetrators use to contaminate their victims.
In my next post, I explain what really happened. I pull together my fragmented memories and the information from the literature, and explain how it appears to fit together to bring me the health problems I have today.
Are you an MSbP survivor who had a revealing dream about your perpetrator?
Tell us in a comment to our blog!