In my previous posts in this series, I explain medical sexual abuse from the point-of-view of the medical literature. I also describe what memories I have, and a dream I had. Finally, this post pulls together the information from the medical literature, memories, and my dream to assemble what probably really happened to me.
At this point, it might be helpful for you to read my post which lists a bunch of unconnected memories of mysterious illnesses and bizarre activities. Now, I will assemble them below into a more logical (but admitted creepy) narrative.
What Really Happened
I don’t know the exact genital-cleaning ritual my mother did because I don’t remember anything she did to me. She later did hair cleaning rituals on me which were the equivalent of waterboarding, and I think she did belly-button cleaning rituals on my brother because he said something unclear about it when I asked him.
But whatever it was, it probably started when I was born. I think it happened a lot in public places because I get flashbacks called “fugues” when I go near bathrooms in shopping centers, schools, and gyms (but not in them). I have dissociative fugue, which is a rare form of dissociative disorder no one really understands. I probably disassociated through all of the medical sexual abuse which is why I do not remember it.
I think she did it to the cats, too. About 20% of cats have this urinary problem called feline lower-urinary track disorder (FLUTD). It makes cats pee blood when stressed, because their bladder gets inflamed. I think she found out about FLUTD and did medical sexual abuse to the cats, and that’s why they went into sepsis and died. Also, I think that’s why she decided that everyone had to believe my bladder infection was “psychological”.
When I went to the emergency room, they did find physical evidence of a bladder infection. My mother possibly did this on purpose during the ritual cleaning – or maybe it just happened from all that traffic down there. In any case, by preventing my treatment due to saying it was psychological let me to go into sepsis.
How it Connects with the Dream
When I was being potty-trained, I could not feel whether I needed to pee or not. If I did wet myself, I probably had to undergo the medical sexual abuse under the guise of cleaning. Therefore, I figured out a way to have these muscles prevent me from peeing at all costs.
Now I have severe vaginismus, and I probably don’t pee enough in the day. I also have conversion disorder from the cramped, spasming muscles inside my body that won’t relax. But I do have control over my bladder – and the rest of my body.
As I said in my earlier post, the dream helped me understand my mother’s motives. My mother’s “goal” was to disable me somehow so I’d be dependent on her. The effort began with trying to make it so I could not control my bladder through medical sexual abuse. Many adults who do not have good urinary control and are also mentally disabled may have been victims of MSbP. The dream showed me how this could have happened to me, step by step.
- Not gaining control of my urinary function would have meant I wet myself and got medically sexually abused more.
- This would have led me to more episodes of sepsis, which can lead to brain damage or death.
- It would have also led to more invasive testing, and possibly unnecessary drugs.
- Eventually, I would have ended up physically dependent on my mother.
What About the Brother?
My brother seems to have normal urinary function, but he is not normal sexually. I don’t know the details, but he and others have told me of severe problems he has. He does not have romantic or sexual relationships, and he lives alone, near my mother and father who are in separate homes.
He is also emotionally co-dependent with my mother, and he is difficult to interview. My mother and father are relatively easier to talk to about all this; my brother seems full of rage and speaks in stream of consciousness. Unfortunately, because of this, he’s not helpful in terms of getting a better picture on what actually happened. We are just happy he’s managed to keep a job for a few years in a row.
Perhaps my mom achieved her “goal” with my brother, although not in a physical way?
Do you think you’ve been a victim of medical sexual abuse? Do you think someone else is?
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